Caring less made me better at my job
I care too much. Yeah, I know, it’s the oldest of interview tropes, but it’s true: my greatest weakness, and therefore also my greatest strength, is that I care. It’s the too much part that gets me into trouble. I care too much about company culture. I care too much about the project. I care too much about what people think. And so on. I always want, no need, to do a good job. After some recent hypnotherapy (!) I realized that, among other things, this has a lot to do with my fear of failure, fear of letting people down and even my fear of death (classic), but that’s another story for another time. The point here is that I care so much about doing a good job that I end up doing too much. At least until recently. It’s when I started caring less that things began to change.
Basically, I’m used to sitting in meeting rooms, with big fat problems to solve, anxiety on high alert, looking around the room thinking: ”Am I the only one who cares about this?!” Well, the answer is 1) Yeah, probably, if you’re like me then people don’t care as much as you do and you can dial it down a bit without anyone even noticing. And 2) You’re asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking yourself is: ”Is this the appropriate amount for me to care about this?”
Before I continue, I just want to be clear on two things:
1) If you care too much. Don’t feel bad. There’s nothing wrong with that, that’s just how you’re wired and it actually makes you a pretty great human being. If you want to care less, it’s something you should do for you and no one else. It’s also not all on you. You can be stressed out for a whole range of reasons. You could be in the wrong job caring about the wrong things. Your boss might be an asshole (consciously or just from birth). And your values might not be aligned with those of your employer, if there even are any. This is not only about self-help, because that puts all the pressure to improve on you, which is counterproductive. If you’re stuck in quicksand, you can’t pull yourself out. Help implies the assistance and support of others.
2) I’m not recommending that you start giving zero fucks. That would just make you a selfish asshole. Being carefree or careless is not a normal state of mind. We’re supposed to care. What I’m saying is that you should figure out your appropriate amount of fucks to give. How many fucks you are ready to invest at this juncture, if you will. Find your optimal fuck-giving-level where you’re doing a great job, by your standards, and still taking the time to play an extra game of ping pong before the next meeting. Like all things in life, it’s about balance.
Now, without further ado, here are some tips for caring less:
Why do you care?
Posts like this tend to end up pretty preachy and shallow, so let’s start from the deep, gooey center where the “why” lives. Before you sign up for my revolutionary 8 step program to not giving a fuck, ask yourself: why do I care? Really ask yourself. What is the reason for all those fucks you’re giving? Are you 30 years old and still trying to impress your father? Are you afraid that you’re going to fuck up and lose your job? Do you genuinely care about what you do? Once you’ve found your answer, ask yourself if it’s a good enough reason for you to keep caring, or if you’re in need of a change.
Why should you care?
At the end of the day, you should only care if what you care about is benefitting you. If there’s no personal gain, then there’s no reason for you to be so worked up about it. I mean it’s great if you’re inventing the cure for cancer or raising the next generation of children to not be terrible people like us, but if it makes you feel bad, is it worth it?
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then on the people that need your help.
What’s the worst that can happen?
Last question. If your reason for caring so much is that you’re afraid of failure, ask yourself: what’s the worst that can happen? If you go all the way down the rabbit hole you’ll likely find that it’s not that bad. Perhaps the answer is that you’ll have to move back in with your parents for a while. They probably miss you anyway. So if you’re as privileged as I am, it ain’t so bad – relax!
Leave on time
Let’s take it back to the basics. Leaving on time is not as simple as it sounds but it has real implications. It’s about setting boundaries for yourself and expectations for others. If you end your workday at 6.00pm, then you can’t answer emails or calls or attend meetings at 6.15pm - can you? It might take your coworkers and bosses some time to get used to this, and it might be hard for you to enforce at first, but we all need boundaries. They make us more effective and also more respectful of each other’s time.
Prioritize what to care about and when
A big problem with caring too much is that you often end up caring about everything, all the time. Taking time to prioritize is a good way of discerning what is most important to care about at the time. Ask yourself: Can I do something about this? When can I do something about it? Can someone else do it? Can it wait? Because honestly:
Why do today what you can do tomorrow?
Care less about the details
This is something I learned when I had too much to on my plate to even attempt to keep up. There are only so many hours in the day and at some point you have to decide what’s most important for you to focus on, and the details should come last. This sometimes means that things are missed or that your coworkers have to pick up some of your slack. Guess what, that’s life. Learn to live it and so will they. Caring less about the details is both a time saver and an energy saver. Little things tend to work themselves out, so as long you’re on track on the big things you can sleep well at night.
Pobody’s nerfect
You should always strive for perfection but please let go of always being perfect. Every single email doesn’t have be a Paulo Coelho novel. If you shift your focus from getting every detail right to instead focusing on the purpose and desired outcome of what you’re doing, you’ll save yourself a lot of time and energy as well. I’m not exaggerating when I say that my important emails used to take 3 hours to finish. Now they take 3 minutes.
Weigh your fucks investment carefully
Like any investment, the amount of return that you get from your care is dependent on how much you invest from the start. Set expectations with yourself on how much you are ready to invest because that is ultimately what will decide the outcome.
In conclusion
This list can obviously grow indefinitely long and I may have to update this post again at a later date as more simple truths present themselves to me. But to wrap this up for now, here are the most important points you should take away from this post:
- Caring less is not about not caring at all. Your care is your greatest asset and it’s not about making it go away, it’s about making sure that you invest it where it matters.
- This is all about you and what works for you. This is who you are. Someone telling you that “you care too much” and “just relax” is not a good enough reason for starting to care less. Do it for yourself if you think it’ll make you feel better. Period.
- You can’t do it alone. If you’re struggling, ask someone for help. It could be a friend, a coworker, a family member or a licensed professional. Change won’t happen in a vacuum. Open a window and let some air in, tell somebody how you’re feeling and things will begin to change.
- If the thing that you care about is causing you too much stress, you either care too much, or you’re placing your care on the wrong thing. Or it’s a combination of both. I’m a firm believer that all that care can be put to good use if you are in the right place, among the right people, caring about the right thing. Find that place.
- Finally: Change. Takes. Time. And it takes consistent effort. You can’t decide tomorrow that you’re going to start caring less and then it magically happens. Training yourself mentally and emotionally takes the same amount of effort as training yourself physically. I work at this every day through meditation, reflection and by setting daily goals. Practice makes perfetc.
Now take your newfound wisdom and get out there and start caring a little less. Or actually, do what you want. I could care less. Because after a lot of practice I can proudly say, in the immortal words of Red:
Just kidding. I totally still care.
